Loading Dose Update // It’ll Be Lonely

I am back home safe from another breathless walk to Windsor House. See HERE for last week’s walk. It was for the completion of the Loading Dose that I walked across town, today – but, it was a different town. Lock Down 3.0 is lifting and the streets were coming to life. Children played and Adults socialised over a pint – town is coming back to life.

It is a beautiful thing to see. And, a welcome one.

Whether it will cause a Third Wave I am unsure, people are either bored of Lock Down or precautious. Either way, things are easing up and that is a good sign.

On my way to Windsor House I saw a lot of life, it was a bit of a shock. The idea of shaking hands with someone still fills me with dread, due to the Pandemic that has engulfed the world. I will try and postpone my first handshake so that it is with my dad – the first person I ever shook hands with.

Windsor House was quiet – it is where the CMHT is based – I went there for my second Loading Dose. I am coming off the oral medication and moving on to an injected form. The injection is very painful but it seems to be working. I have a lot quieter head.

I am calmer, more focused, less distracted and all together I am sharper in my wits. I just need to learn how to control them again, really.

I am worried that the twenty year old version of me will pop out uninhibited and I have also been warned that I may feel a bit lonely for the next month or so. Seems weird to be told I may lonely when I am symptom free…

The tranquility offered by the medicine has got rid of some of the characters who have been dogging my psyche for the best part of twenty years. I am looking forward to being free of these archetypes and tropes but it will be a quieter place. Yes, I guess you could call it a loneliness – an isolation – it must be what it is like when you kick out an abusive house mate and you can breathe a sigh of relief. But it would be a housemate who lived with you through some of the tumultuous times of your days. And they were no support, maybe the cause.

I am sat here is my pyjamas having had the second loading dose. I am in for the night, time to get settled. I am foggy headed (temporarily) but I am tranquil.

My CPN, RW, said this year could be the best year of my life. Let’s work towards that.

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